The NEWEST New NASCAR Math EVER!!!!

I promise to keep it simple…but….

The NASCAR 2017 season is upon us like a comet about to hit the Earth.

The Advance Auto Parts Clash at Daytona is this Saturday and the Daytona 500 qualifying for the front row is this Sunday afternoon. So I’m getting on with it. But there is a lot of new madness that the NASCAR 2017 season is throwing at us. A new sponsor for the series is one. But that pales in comparison to the New NASCAR Math…a whole new points system that is hurtling towards out planet that makes tits at Talladega, or the lack thereof; the retirement of The Carl; and the return and recovery of Junior from his concussions, seem like the least of our worries.

I’ll get the simplest change out of the way first. The new sponsor is Monster Energy Drink¹. NASCAR Sprint Cup Series is now known as the Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Series. Let THAT roll off the tongue for awhile. At least it isn’t Red Bull for fuck sake!! That facking company is hell bent on ruining the world of football so there is at least 1 thing to be thankful for. Red Bull sponsors 2 cars in F1 piloted by Daniel Ricciardo and Max Verstappen…and that’s the extent of their racing deal. I’m not a fan of Monster Energy Drinks or Red Bull and all the rest of that LSD Cum-Liquid stuff, as y’all well know, or should, by now. So I’ll stick with NASCAR Cup Series and call it a day.

Simple enough. Yes?

Now a couple more little items before we try to stop that comet from hitting and destroying the earth.

The Carl has retired. Downed tools. Hung up his cleats. Left the keys in the car and walked away. No more patented back-flips after a win. Gone. Gone. Gone. Now I can’t say I’m saddened by this because I’m not. I’ve never ever been a fan of The Carl though I did like him when he started racing with Roush/Fenway. Despite being a great driver, it’s his duplicitous nature that soured me on him. So his retirement comes as a surprise. If he sticks to it and spends more time with his family as wishes to do, then fine. But there’s been a rumour afoot that he wants to run for the Senate in Missouri as a fackin’ Republican. In that case, he can continue to go fuck himself.

Smoke has also retired. He has enough on his plate running the team he owns….my view btw. Clint Bowyer is replacing him in his #14 Ford. Yes….they’ve switched from Chevy to Ford at Stewart-Haas. And for old times sake, the OLD NASCAR Math runs about thus: Kevin Harvick + Danica Patrick = Clint Bowyer.

I wish the NEW NASCAR math was that simple.

And speaking of Danica. She has a new primary sponsor this season. Aspen Dental has been a part-time sponsor of hers. This they will be stepping up and sponsoring 10+ races. Nature’s Bakery has defaulted on their sponsorship contract with Danica Patrick and Stewart-Haas Racing. Stewart-Haas is suing them for $31.7 million.

There is also a horrible rumour that Derrike Cope is returning to the Cup fulltime. But we’ll just pretend we never heard that one.

There is, after all, a comet hurtling towards the Earth…

A prime number of noted Mathematicians gather to discuss the new NASCAR points system.

My initial take on the NEWEST New NASCAR Math is that you don’t really understand what you’re doing, AND you don’t get the right answer.

I initially asked Associate Professor Gary Cahill (2nd from left upper row) to describe the new points system for the NASCAR 2017 season and he took a deep breath and puffed out his cheeks as if to say “…..uhhhhhhhmmmmmm….”

Professor Daniel Welbeck (3rd from right upper row), when asked, just scrunched his face up and said, “Aww geez, do I have to?”

Dr. Jermain Defoe (far right bottom row) simple gazed upwards in the hopes that God would have an answer. While Ph. D. candidate Ashley Cole (3rd from left bottom row) shut his eyes and drifted off to the good old days before the Chase when the points system was simple and a win was a win and Matt Kenseth could win the Cup just by being consistently good all season long.

Dr. Baines (2nd from right bottom row) and Dr. Lescott (4th from right middle row) had the most insight to offer so I will basically paraphrase and no doubt oversimplify what they had to say.

The algorithmic mosters who run NASCAR have decided to break up each race into 3 Stages. Stage 1 and 2 will be 25-30% of the total race. Stages will vary from track to track.

Okay that sounds simple enough…but what benefit does this have?

NASCAR has decided to give the top 10 drivers at the end of each stage bonus points for where they are at that point in the race. 10 down to 1 point. For each of stage 1 & 2.

That’s lovely, yes?

But NASCAR is going to add those points to your cumulative points total for the season.

The final stage will be scored differently from previous seasons.

40 points for a win. 35 points for 2nd place. Then on down to 1 point for those back-markers who finish 36-40th.

There be no bonus points for leading or leading the most laps or anything like that.

Fair enough then, mate. Lovely overall in fact if they’d have left it at that. We could have noted it with alacrity and soon forgotten all about it.

The suits at NASCAR seem hell-bent on making this more complex than the new F1 engine.² What these bellends have decided to do is award the drivers with Playoff (formerly known as The Chase) bonus points from each stage as well from wins as they’ve done in the past. They can later use these in the Chase, er Playoff, but unlike previous seasons, these bonus points carry through the entire playoffs until the final race at Homestead. Not as complex as some of the lads might think…if that was all to it, full stop.

But why stop and just head to Victory Lane when you can press on at high speed heading straight to oblivion.

Before the Chase starts ((Fuck it!! It’s the Chase, not the Playoffs)) which means after Richmond, the “Regular Season” has ended, there will be a points leader who is the Regular Season Champion. That driver will get 15 Playoff Bonus Points…2nd place earns 10, 3rd earns 8, and then on down to 1 for the 10th place driver. Those also carry over until Homestead.

So no wonder it’s worse than trying to solve Hilbert’s Eighth Problem or discover an odd perfect number.

And it get even more mad when you realize that the NASCAR 2017 season will also award actual real points for the Can-Am Duels on Thursday that set the rest of the field for the Daytona 500. The fuck?? 10 points for each Duel winner and then on down to 1 point for 10th. Nice head start for the season I suppose? But what facking sense does it all make. The two drivers in the front row for the Daytona 500 must, unnecessarily in some cases, go balls on in Duels when they could just as easily kick it back a notch. What it boils down to is those two on the front row could fins themselves behind in the points at the start of Daytona 500.

It’s no wonder that John Terry, Joe Hart, John Ruddy, Frank Lampard, and Wayne Rooney are hollering incoherently about it. I would too, and probably will, and so will you.

But, as always, Denny Hamlin + Kyle Busch + Daniel Suarez = NASCAR’s 2016 Defending Cup Champion.  Just a reminder that there is, still, some sanity left in NASCAR.

For some reason, these British politicians seem to think Bad Brad will win it all.

I could of course, do this myself as I’ve done every other year. But I had a fancy of having Prime Minister Theresa May and two of her cronies to do my 36-40 predictions sure to go wrong. They could simply cast a vote for each driver as Brexit or Stay. Brexit, as it does in real life, meaning No Fucking Chance In The World.

But those 3 Tory ****s were too busy with their anal ra***** of their Merry Little Kingdom.

So, I’ll just have to suck it up and get on with it.

Here goes:

There is no one in NASCAR named Zlatan!!

I’ll get this scary-ish metaphor out of the way first. Tony Stewart was a Fat Zlatan Ibrahimović in a firesuit.

Okay, now onward.

I’ll record the votes that those worthless Tory ****s deigned to avoid. I’ll record them as either Stay or Brexit. I might even have a pithy remark to append thereto…and it might even be Alan Partridgesque but most likely I’ll fall short of that. And since I’m not a Queens Counselor, I don’t have to wear a wig.

Consider this yet another addendum to the Domesday Book. Time to tally up the votes for the NASCAR 2017 season.

• #1  Jamie McMary — Stay
• #2  Bad Brad — Stay   Prime Minister Theresa May and her wazzock numpties think Bad Brad will win it all!!
• #3  Austin Dillon — Stay
• #4  Kevin Harvick — Stay
• #5  Kasey Kahne — Brexit   Will make a wrong turn off the M62 and somehow find himself in plucky little Wigan. Will be hauled off at halftime and replaced by Alex Bowman if there is any justice in this wicked world.
  
• #6  Trevor Bayne — Brexit
• #10  Danica Patrick — Stay  ³
• #11  Denny Hamlin — Stay  The toughest driver in NASCAR votes STAY!!!
• #13  Ty Dillon — Brexit
• #14  Clint Bowyer — Brexit
• #15  Michael Waltrip — Brexit   Michael is a one-off for the Daytona 500. The car has a charter, the plans for the team are about a clear as….well, let’s put is this way. Leyton Orient has a more solid plan at the moment.
• #17  Danica’s Boyfriend — Brexit
• #18  Kyle Busch — Stay
• #19  Daniel Saurez — Stay  The first Mexican driver in NASCAR. He’s replacing The Carl and is running for Rookie of the Year.
• #20  Matt — Stay
• #21  Ryan Blaney — Brexit
• #22  The King of Comedy — Stay   Rupert “Joey Logano” Pupkin should stick to his day job.
• #23  Gray Gaulding — Brexit   WHO the fuck???
• #24  Chase Elliot — Stay
• #27  Paul Menard — Stay
• #31  Ryan Newman — Stay
• #32  Matt DiBenedetto — Brexit
• #34  Landon Cassell — Brexit
• #37  Chris Buescher — Brexit
• #38  David Ragan — Brexit
• #41  Kurt Busch — Stay
• #42  Kyle Larson — Stay
• #43  Aric Almirola — Brexit
• #47  The Dinger — Stay  I’m figuring he’ll win at either Sears Point or Watkins Glen.
• #48  Some Good For Nothing Useless Driver Who Will Never Amount To Much — Brexit ⁴
• #72  Cole Whitt — Brexit   The Coot Veal or Cott Deal of NASCAR
• #77  Erik Jones — Brexit   A Rookie of the Year candidate. He could pull a Chris Buescher and change the vote to Stay
• #78  Martin Truex Jr. — Stay
• #88  Junior — Stay  If the Gibbs Boys or Danica don’t win it all, then I’d root for Junior to win it all.
• #95  Michael McDowell — Brexit

You will note that there are more Stay votes than there are places in the Chase…er…Playoffs. That’s okay since it’s either more a matter of likelihood, or wishful thinking, or both. As in Merry Old England, there are more votes for Brexit than Stay.

Of course, the newest new NASCAR math will skew these predictions even further. It’s not quite as simple as win and you’re in.

Like these boys, I really don’t want to think about it either.

So I guess I’ll comfort myself with the tried and true old NASCAR math while waiting for that comet to hit the earth.

Kyle Larson ÷ Austin Dillon = Clint Bowyer

Works like a charm every time.

1. At least it isn’t Red Bull for fuck sake!!
2. More on that at a later date….
3. This is where I mumble something about Danica being the brunette Nicola Sturgeon of NASCAR before quaffing another pint of RUTLAND Ale.
4. Alan Partridge eat your heart out!!