That pretty much sums up the Chase after last Sunday’s Tum’s Fast Relief 500 at Martinsville. Sure, Denny Hamlin scored an impressive win. It’s a track, like Pocono, he’s supposed to win at. And he did. But…
The damned ability of Jimmie Johnson and the evil mechanations of Chad Knaus will simply not go away. Jimmie Johnson finished second increasing his lead on Mark Martin and the rest of Chasers. Short of some sort of miracle, like a Close Encounter of the 4th Kind, this Chase is over. Finito!
Hand him the damned trophy and start the Daytona 500 countdown clock.
Meanwhile, NASCAR has to come up with some solutions to make the Chase more competitive and interesting. For both the drivers and the fans. But…
One shudders to think what kind of nonsense Brian France and Mike Helton will/can/could cook up THIS time to save the Chase, the NASCAR, their legacies…. Brrrr!! The horror!!
So instead of letting those two gobs come up with something, let’s consider a few ideas that might or might not work, but certainly have the potential to do less damage to NASCAR than the Chase and the Car of Tomorrow have already done:
Jeff Burton, the beloved and sensible NASCAR spokesman of choice reads off the first suggestion.
“Ahem….what do you think guys? New uniforms? Yes, Casey?”
“Can I put a teddy bear on mine?”
“Shut up Casey!”
Casey Mears sits down and sulks. Of course, he might not have a ride at RCR next year as Jack Daniels has tired of NASCAR’s version of drinkin’ and drivin’.
“Jeff?”
“Yes Tony, the floor is yours.”
“If you guys don’t mind, I’d like to wear my Godzilla suit next season.”
“I thought you already were wearing it….” said Matt Kenseth. A little wave of laughter washed over the Driver Meeting.
If there wasn’t the Chase, Tony Stewart would be leading the points standing right now by 80 points over Jimmie Johnson. Instead, he is mired in 4th place, 192 points out.
Dale Earnhardt Jr, stands up and shyly clears his throat.
“Junior?” Burton says, with a look of hopeful desperation.
“Fellows….I know I don’t have much room to talk this season, but I do have a suggestion…”
“I don’t what y’all think about this, but….what about…how would it be if we consulted with Danica Patrick on this?”
Burton raised an eyebrow, looked around the room. Junior stood there shifting from side to side and shyly shuffling his feet. Drivers were whispering and nodding amongst themselves. They appeared to be desperate to grab at any straw.
“I…I guess we could consider it. Should consider it. I know you have a vested interest in that, Junior…”
“Nuthin’s offcial yet…”
“Em-hnn. Yes. Well. Maybe you and Tony could approach her on this?”
“As long as Tony doesn’t wear his Godzilla costume…”
Room explodes in nervous laughter.
Denny Hamlin, fresh off his win at Martinsville stands up with a suggestions as the laughter subsides.
“Guys…guys….what about more night racing!!? Those always look so cool on TV from what I heard. And if we hold them REALLY LATE at night, like 1AM or something, there wouldn’t be any other sporting events to compete with them. And BEST of ALL, it would be PAST Jimmie Johnson’s bedtime so he couldn’t even race at all which would give us ALL a chance to win. Whaddya say guys?”
As nods and murmurs of approval and a smattering of applause filled the room, Mark Martin stood up and chuckled “But Denny, 1AM would be past MY bedtime as well…”
“Ha ha ha….”
Ha ha ha. Talladega at NIGHT? With headlights, brakelights, even rain tires. That would be perfect, yes?
Of course, none of this will really save the Chase, or the NASCAR (sic). And short of turning Kyle Busch into a vampire, I don’t….hey wait a minute!! WHAT did I just say??
Yeh!! That just might work!! Screw getting Kyle Busch a new crew chief. Gibbs should take off his rosary and let him turn into a focking vampire (or turn him into MORE of a focking vampire than he already is). That just might work!! Yes! Count Kyle in sparkling raiment bright! Kyle would make a far better vampire than that dour fock from Twilight. Honestly, the only drawback I can see in this is that THIS DISTURBING ITEM might appear with the #18 and the M&M’s logo on it.
Kyle Busch as a vampire!! Why didn’t we think of this sooner!?
And now, off to Talladega with a song in our hearts. All rise and sing Henry Alford’s old hymn:
Ten thousand times ten thousand
In sparkling raiment bright
The armies of the ransomed saints
Throng up the steeps of light;
‘Tis finished! all is finished,
Their fight with death and sin;
Fling open wide the golden gates
And let the victors in.
What if we had Danica Patrick interview Jimmy Johnson in order to distract his mojo. I imagine the conversation going something like this:
Danica – Well Jimmy, it seems you are going to cum in first again. What is it that makes you such a sure shot?
JJ – Just perserverence and trusting in my ability to get er done!
Danica – My kid brother really admires your work. But he admires your name even more. …
JJ – What does that mean?
Danica – Well. Kid bro tld me that its related to the names guys give their…uh… you know.
JJ – The hell I do.
Danica – Its called a "jimmy" when its soft. And its called "The Johnson" when erect. Do you know what that means?
JJ – I'll tell you if you wear that suit from your spread on maxim for me and my guys late sunday nite.