Transmissions From The Representative of Generation 6

Liverpool 5    Norwich City 0

Chelsea 2      Southampton 2

 

Yes. I know. I promised not to allow any sort of football-related matters to cloud or diffuse, or in any way alter what has been intended to be an all-motorsports post. Pre-Season Thunder has already come and gone at Daytona with the first round of tests, included a big practice wreck triggered by Junior and Marcus Ambrose. Testing at Charlotte, albeit rain-snow-ice shortened, is in the books. So I have a lot of ground to cover here, and the less said about the above referenced matches, the better. I’ll make it quick.

Liverpool has always had Norwich’s number. In eight matches they’ve played in the top flight over the last 18 years, Norwich has won NONE of them. They drew 1-1 at Anfield in their opening match of Norwich’s  latest and current run in the top flight. But all the rest have be Liverpool’s. This season, Liverpool shipped 5 past Norwich at Carrow Road  in September thanks to a Suarez hat-trick. Yesterday at Anfield,  Jordan Henderson opened Liverpool’s account, and there was not much that my Canaries did or could do to stop the flood that ensued. Yes, they were missing Bassong from the lineup. But Snodgrass was off his game, as was Bradley Johnson, and Hoolihan should have gotten the start over Howson. but…enough of this for now. Go have one of Delia Smith’s Old-Fashioned Cherry Cakes and get on with it.

As Chelsea for blowing a 2-0 halftime lead out of their ass at the Bridge, against Southampton no less, the fewer words devoted to that utter shite, the better. Perhaps Rafa really is a fat Spanish waiter after all. And maybe Fernando Torres should get a focking haircut. ((….wait, WHAT??))

 

 

This is only a Test

 

Pre-season Thunder has come and gone at Daytona. The Charlotte testing has finished. But overall, the new Gen-6 car is getting rave reviews from the drivers. The new cars look great…more like showroom cars than the glorified IROC stylings of the COT. But more importantly, they drive great and race better than any Sprint Cup car in years.

Gone are the days of two-car drafting at Daytona and Talladega. The redesigned cars don’t lock-up like they did, and Junior and Ambrose quickly discovered when they triggered a little argy-bargy in a drafting test at Daytona.

Speeds are up. Downforce and grip are up. The cars are 160 pounds lighter than last season…100 pounds less on the right and 60 pounds less on the left. The chassis itself is pretty much the same, but changes have been made to tire camber and rear-housing adjustments. They don’t yaw down the straightaway like a focking Boeing 757-200 crabbing into a crosswind on final approach. You can actually focking pass someone with these cars. The splitters of old are gone….the new splitters are more integrated with the mfg body style and are more aerodynamic.

The drivers love it.

The owners and crew-chiefs…well…they’re soldiering along with building enough new cars to start the season. NASCAR has been taking a bit longer to approve parts and components. And the Big One at the first day of Daytona testing has put a few trams behind the 8-ball, scrambling to be ready for Speedweeks.

But overall, technology and science have created a world of peace for all involved. Wait…what??

 

 

Junior and Marcus Ambrose trigger the Big One

 

On Day 1 of Daytona testing,  during a drafting session Junior and Ambrose triggered the big one. They were trying out bump-drafting, but then science and technolgy that brought peace to the world failed them, and Ambrose went sailing up into the wall and back down the track into a seething hoarde of wreckage. Junior whizzed by Ambrose and emerged unsctated. But 10 other cars, 11 counting Ambrose, were done for the day. Bad Brad, The Carl, McMary, That Homo®Jeff Gordon, The Biff, Regan Smith, Aric Almirola, Joey, Kasey “Cougar-Bait” Kahne, and the alway effervescent Kyle Busch, just to name a few. Oh. That was all of them,

The lesson learned is that once and for all, the old and hated tandem drafting is thankfully no more. Also, any bump-drafting done in the future must be done with more care. The front and rear bumpers dont hook up anymore due to the new body-design and the new aerodynamic splitter. Drafting once again will be dependent on the skill and acumen of the driver. As it should be. This is going to make the racing at Daytona and Talledega far more interesting and exciting. And guess what?

The new rules package plays right into the hands of Junior. It’s back to the good ol’ days for him.

 

The latest from Jeremy Mayfield

 

Silly Season is not complete w/o a little but of Jeremy Mayfield nonsense. Last year at this time, Jeremy Mayfield was DOING time…well..he was under arrest for several felonies involving possession of methamphetamines and stolen property. As as I’ve related, he watched last year’s Daytona 500 from JAIL. That little bit of argy-bargy is ongoing in the courts at the moment. And of course, Mayfield is still banned for life ((for all intents and purposes)) from NASCAR testing positive for meth.

So his latest little bright idea occurred a week ago this past Wednesday. He figured that it would do his cause good to call in Eli Gould’s radio show on MRN to chat with and/or confront Eli’s guest, none other than Brian France. He wanted to see if Brian France was, “willing to accept the fact” that he’d like to come back racing. Brian France wondered back if Jeremy was willing to accept the fact that there is a process in place for Jeremy to follow is he truly seeks redemption. After all, the Dinger just followed that path and is back at it. So why not you, Jeremy?

Needless to say Mayfield quickly scurried off the air at point, apologizing (sort of), “I didn’t mean to bother you on the show, but it’s the only way I could get a hold of you and I figured it would be a great opportunity to do that.”  <–actual quote

So far be it from me to be judge and jury here, but let’s be realistic. Nothing Mayfield has said or done over last 3-5 years can convince anyone he’s not guilty as focking hell. This latest little episode pretty much pours more cement on the case. There’s no way in hell Mayfield will be back racing anytime soon.

 

 

Danica Patrick is filing for divorce

 

Nice to see a little tabloid stuff swirling around the NASCAR garage that doesn’t involve Jeremy Mayfield. But, don’t get your hopes up chumplins. Don’t go out buying boxes of chocolates hoping to pitch some old fashioned woo.

Due to some technological issues, I didn’t get this post up mid-week. I was going to throw out an idle bit of speculation that now that Danica is getting divorced, she is now free to pursue the motorsports dream relationship with Dale Earnhardt Jr. That would have fallen into the realm of amusing plausibility.After all, Danica is moving to Sprint. She will no longer be driving for JR Motorsports. And on and on. But at the end of the day it would have more like trying find two prime numbers that add up tp 23. It can’t be done. But…why let that stop us.

But during my technology delay, new information has surfaced regarding this matter.

It seems to involve a Junior of a different sort.

 

 

The Rookies Of The Year

 

There are two candidates fro Sprint Cup Rookie of The Year for 2013 season. That would be, for those of keeping score at Jim’s Place in Appleton WI: Danica Patrick, and Ricky Stenhouse Jr.

Now that’s interesting on several levels.

First off, 2-time Nationwide champion Ricky Stenhouse Jr. has taken over the #17 Best Buy Ford at Roush Fenway. That was the car Matt Kenseth used to drive—Matt Kenseth won ROTY in that ride back in 2000.

Secondly, I might have to amend my statement that Danica will run for ROTY since she raced 10 races in Sprint last season and the rules have always stated that 7 is the limit to retain eligibility, BUT….she did not declare for ROTY last season ans was running full-time in the Nationwide Series. So…maybe I won’t need to amend after all. Nope, I won’t. She’s running for ROTY.

And Finally, GUESS THE FOCK WHAT!!??

If you guessed that Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse Jr. are DATING, you would be correct my friend and eligible for all the bonus points and prizes galore. That’s the Junior I was referring to above.

And if you are wondering how many boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife combos have raced in a major autosports series at the same time. The answer to that would be none.

It’s going to be an interesting 2013 season.

 

 

NASCAR Predictions Sure To Wrong

 

I was going to get The White Ray Charles of NASCAR to do this segment with help from The Dinger and Marcus Ambrose. Instead, I’ll take  the lazy way out by cracking open a PBR and doing it myself. I’ll go driver by driver and give my unreasonable pre-season assessments of their chances to make the Chase and win the Championship. Maybe even a psychotic prediction of where they might finish. Here we go:

• #1   Jamie Mc Mary — Nothing more than a slim chance of making the Chase I’m sorry to say. But I think he can improve on his 21st place finish of 2012.
• #2   Bad Brad — Hell ya he’s back in the Chase. And I give him odds on as favourite to repeat. I’ll be drinking more MILLER Lite than I want again this season I’m afraid.
• #6   Kasey Kahne — Yup. Cougar Bait will be back in, barely perhaps. But he definitely can make it back. Might not finish 4th though.
• #7   Dave Blaney — I like Dave Blaney, but….NOT A CHANCE IN HELL.
• #9   Marcus Ambrose — Marcus Ambrose has been getting better and better and I think has an outside shot making the Chase. He finsihed 18th last season and I expect him to do better in 2013 and finally win on an oval or two.
• #10  Danica Patrick —  No, she will not make the Chase, but wouldn’t it be nice if she did! She will acquit herself well enough to finish comfortably mid-table. No, she will not win ROTY, her boyfriend will win that. Will she win a race? Odds of a rook says yes—at Watkins Glen or Daytona most likely. Daytona 500?? Holy crap, THAT would be something. ((PBR me ASAP!))
• #11  Denny Hamlin — He’ll be back in the Chase with a legitimate shot to topple Bad Brad. He’s a tough guy and more of a badass than his personality, such as it is, lets on.
• #13  Casey Mears — One word: NO.
• #14  Tony Stewart — Smoke will be back in the Chase. But it won’t be automatic. He’ll have to work for it. Ownership distractions will be sponsors for Newman, and his new  driver Danica Patrick. Smoke is always focused, but it won’t be easy. He might even miss the chase by a point or two.
• #15  Clint Bowyer — Monsieur Bowyer was the big surprise last season, finishing 2nd and making a real Chase of it, right up until very end despite a little argy-bargy with his pal Jeff Gordon. Looking forward to more of the same this season. Bowyer will make to Chase and hell…I’d give him odds of a rook.
• #16 Greg Biffle — With Kenseth gone to Joe Gibbs Racing, The Biff is now the “old man” at Roush. He’ll be influential guiding his new Roushketeer, Ricky Stenhouse Jr., and also will need to guide The Carl back to the path. And oh yes, Biff makes the Chase. But he really needs to win more than 2 races this season though if he wants to stand more than a puncher’s chance of winning it all.
• #17 Matt Kenseth Ricky Stenhouse Jr. — Old habits die hard. It will tough for me to see anyone other than Kenseth in the #17 car, but time moves along I guess. Anyway, Romeo will not make the Chase, but he’ll finish upper mid-table. He will win the ROTY.
• #18 Kyle Busch — NASCAR’s Most Popular Reviled Driver will be back in the Chase next season even if Matt Kenseth has to drag him by his geek ears to get it done. Inconsistency plagued Shrub last season, and with Kenseth leading the Joe Gibbs team, I’m figuring that Busch will have a stronger season and at worst, sneak into the Chase.
• #20 Matt Kenseth —  Yaba daa!! Matt Kenseth in a Toyota!! Brrrr!! The Horror!! Well, I’ll just have to get used it. Matt will make the Chase once again, and maybe, finally, after all these years he’ll jam the Chase up NASCAR’s arse by winning it all, with his trademark consistency.
• #22 Joey Logano — No, he will not make the Chase. But he will have a decent finish.
• #24 Jeffrey Michael Gordon — Bloody hell!! He barely made it in last season and finished 10th. Despite it all, he will barely do that again this season.
• #26 Josh Wise — Yer kidding me, right?
• #27  Paul Menard — He’s getting better every season. Can he finally make the Chase? Yes and No and Maybe. He finished 16th last season and will be knocking on the door of the Chase this season.
• #29  Kevin Harvick — Honestly, I couldn’t give a toss. He made the Chase last year and finished 8th. He’ll probably do the same this year.
• #30  David Stremme — Yes, THAT David Stremme. And of course, HELL NO!  The spurious assumption that this team will run a full season is irrelevant.
• #31  Jeff Burton — Last season, the White Ray Charles of NASCAR finished in 19th. It would be nice, though, if the Jeff Burton Bandwagon of old could get fired up this season, but sadly, I don’t see that happening. I really like Jeff Burton, but in 2013 he’ll finish somewhere between 14th and 20th again.
• #34  David Ragan — How mighty are the fallen….?  Not very mighty at all. From the #6 car at Roush a few years ago, and now this?
• #38  David Gilliland — David Gillillillililland will win NOTHING again this year. Just like last year. And the year before that.
• #39  Ryan Newman — Newman always has a puncher’s chance of making the Chase and winning it all.  He missed last year by 2 places. This year I believe he might do it, unreasonable as that belief might seem to some. A fairly restrained assessment since I’ve been a big fan of Newman since his rookie season. What gives me and Newman hope is that he’s reunited with his original crew chief Matt Borland. That bodes very well for 2013.
• #42  Juan Pablo Montoya — Prepare to die, NASCAR. Prepare to DIE!  I’ll bet you a 16 oz tall boy of Pabst Blue Ribbon that Montoya will finally win on an oval this season with the Brickyard 400 being the most likely candidate. Like his Ganassi teammate Mc Mary, he won’t make the Chase, but just might come awfully close.
• #43  Aric Almirola — Won’t make the Chase, but like RPM teammate Marcus Ambrose, he will show improvement in the points.
• #47  Bobby Labonte — It’s a sad thing to see a former Champion driving around on Sunday like this, but it is what is. It will be in 2013 what it was last year I’m sorry to say.
• #48  Jimmie Johnson — Will not make the Chase this season, ha ha ha!!  That’s a pretty fuckin’ unreasonable assessment, and so?
• #55  Mark Martin — No. The days have run away like wild horses over the hills. But even though he’s only running 26 races this season, Old Man Martin will still finish in the top 25 in points. That’s pretty damn good all things considered. Michael Waltrip will be running the car at Daytona in July and both ‘dega races. Brian Vickers will mop up the other 9 races.
• #56  Martin Truex Jr. —  Junior Jr. as I call him made the Chase last year, and finished 11th. I’ll say he’s on the bubble to repeat that, but this season he’ll need to win a race or two to have a shot or the bubble just might burst.
• #78  Kurt Busch —  I ask once more, How Mighty Are The Fallen?? Kurt must have more lives than two cats it seems. But he is where he is. And he’ll be where he’ll be in 2013. And that place will NOT be in the Chase. Here’s a Kurt Busch haiku for y’all :  Kurt Busch has fallen/And he can’t seem to get up/But nobody cares much.
• #83  David Reutimann —  Danica Patrick will finish higher in the points in 2013. I’ll bet you a Dr. Pepper on that.
• #87  Joe Nemechek — I love Front Row Joe…but it’s just sad to see him head for the garage to share a 30 pak of LOST LAKE LIGHT with Michael Mc Dowell, Josh Wise and the rest of the start and parkers, after a few laps. Not the LOST LAKE LIGHT part, the start and park part. That’s just sad.
• #88  Dale Earnhardt Jr. — This young lad will emerge from relative obscurity and not only make the Chase, but he’ll win the whole goddamn thing!! At last he’ll become a household name and meet the girl of his dreams.
• #93  Travis Kvapil — Far and away the handsomest man in NASCAR, Janesville, Wisconsin’s favourite son has been re-elected to the same go nowhere ride that went nowhere last season.
• #98  Michael Mc Dowell — Will be swapping stories again with Front Row Joe, Josh Wise and the rest. Drink up!! There’s more 30 paks where that came from.
• #99  Carl Edwards— The Carl did not win a race last year and missed the Chase. Maybe this year he’ll emerge from Matt Kenseth’s shadow and finally amount to something. He didn’t win a race all last year, so I imagine his patented backflip is a little rusty. Just his luck that he wins a race this season, tries his backflip, and falls right on his ass.

 

Okay, there you have it. NASCAR 2013 in all it’s splendor. Impossible and unreasonable predictions sure to go wrong somewhere. After all, I predicted TWO drivers to win it all. That would Brad Kesolowski and Dale Earnhardt Jr.  As I type this it is 29 days, 20 hours 22 minutes and 47 seconds to the start of the Daytona 500. So fasten your focking seatbelts!

 

 

Chelsea 2      Arsenal 1

 

I know I promised no more soccer, but….WHAT THE FOCK is up with Torres’s new haircut!!?? I mean really! He looks just like focking Eden Hazard now ((more on Eden later, or next time)). I mean, WTF?? No more metrosexual blonde poofter with a girl’s headband?

Still didn’t get him a goal.

But Chelsea hung on for the win.

 

Swansea 0     Chelsea 0

 

I know the picture is from the Arsenal match at Stamford Bridge. But the picture pretty much sums up Chelsea’s season so far. Swansea bounced them out of the Capital One Cup on Wednesday at The Liberty Stadium, winning 2-0 on aggregate. Swansea with aggregate advantage parked the bus. Chelsea couldn’t find their ass with both hands to score. Eden Hazard allegedly kicked a ball boy…the son of one Swansea’s board members….and got a red card for violent conduct, but he really didn’t kick him. The little ball boy twat ((not so little actually, a pudgy 17 year old spoiled brat heir to Daddy’s 42m  hotel fortune)) thought it would be clever to waste by deliberately not giving the ball back to Chelsea for a throw-in. Hazard tried to roll him over off the ball, then tapped the ball out…but the little twat acted like he was kicked in the ribs.

Anyway, it’s one less piece of hardware for us this season. We’ve only got the FA Cup and the Europa League left to get. Or lose. But enough for now I guess. I’m as out of beer as you are out of patience.

But don’t let that stop you…tell me what you REALLY think!