Jeff Gordon Speaks!!

Why I have not shot myself in the head because Jimmie Johnson won his 2nd focking race in a row at Las Vegas last Sunday, is an utter and total mystery to me at moment, especially in light of the fact that none other than Jeff Gordon (yes THAT homo Jeff Gordon) pretty much said that Jimmie Johnson’s utter dominance of NASCAR is boring as focking hell. Not in those exact words mind you, but you can pretty much read between the lines. When even Jeff Gordon thinks his protege is boring as piss, what I’ve been saying about Jimmie Johnson all along has strayed from merely being my humble opinion to plain focking truth.

Evil mechanations of Chad Knaus.? Check! At Vegas, on the final pit stops, Knaus called for a 4 tire stop. Gordon’s crew chief Steve Latarte called for 2 tires to maintain track position.

Damned ability of Jimmie Johnson? Check! Johnson was able to cruise through the field and with 4 fresh tires, blasted by Gordon for the boring and tedious win.

It’s hard to hate Jimmie Johnson. It really is. He’s good guy. He’s honest, hard-working, straightforward, and exceedingly pleasant. He’s handsome, but not a pretty boy. He came up the ranks the hard way…paid his dues on 50 cc motorcycles, off-road racing, the local tracks, and ASA.  He’s the best focking driver in NASCAR. But….but…he bores the crap out of me. And not just me….even his fans are not as crazily enthused with him, as, for example, Junior’s fans are (obviously). Hell…Jeff Gordon’s fans are more passionate. Even Matt Kenseth sparks up more enthusiasm among his fan base.

So why have I not shot myself in the head yet?  Or hammered a wooden stake through my heart? As Jeff Gordon says, “I just think it depends on the rivalries and the stories…What we need is Kyle Busch and [Tony] Stewart to be butting heads, banging one another and talking trash. That would be good television.”

Wait. What?? Did I just actually quote Jeff Gordon?? Bring me that wooden stake and a ball-peen hammer….

 

Meanwhile, I have to report that odd numbers didn’t bring Danica Patrick any luck last Saturday night in Vegas. She got wrecked by some go-nowhere fock-wad ((or Michael McDowell….yer choice)) who was a lap down. Danica was coming at him like a raped ape, and instead of doing what a lapped car should do, like go high and get the fock out of the way, he chose to go low, cutting Danica off, and that was that. Odd numbers were bad luck. McDowell’s car was #81; the accident happened in turn 1. The caution lasted 7 laps, the same number as Danica’s GoDaddy.com Chevrolet.

The shame of the wreck at Vegas was that Danica was finally beginning to get a feel for how to race at the intermediate tracks. She was much more comfortable in Vegas than she was at Fontana the week before. And if that dopey little shitass ((or Michael McDowell….yer choice)) hadn’t wrecked her, she would have most likely finished as I had originally figured it, on the lead lap in 18th to 20th. Yeh…she would have had her name up in lights with Front Row Joe.  *flail*

 

Well even though the Kobold Tools 500 (*lol*) tees off in Atlanta very shortly, it might be more worthy to note that F1 tees off with practice in Bahrain in 4 days and change. The teams are in place, sort of…some are running on a shoestring. Wishful thinking and hopefulness abound. There have a been fock-load of rules changes—for example, they can no longer refuel on pitstops in F1. Yes, you read that right. Refueling during the race is banned. Also, each driver gets only 11 sets of tires, 3 sets of which can only be used on Friday’s practice and must be returned whether used or not.

There are some new teams and new faces. Lotus is making a return to F1 with Heiki Kovaleinen and Jarno Trulli driving the sleds.Virgin Airways  is fielding a team. But Team USA, USF1, is about as sorry a operation as motorsports has ever seen. Don’t expect them to show up anytime soon.

But the good news is that Max Mosley is gone.

And Michael Freakin’ Schumacher is back!! He’s anchoring Ross Brawn’s Mercedes GP team with fellow German driver Nico Rosberg. That should be verrrrry interesting. One wonders if he can a win an 8th championship. My thinking is probably not. But it will make for interesting drama and spectacle.

 

And finally, I’m going to make a pick for Kobold ((yes, I’m deliberately misspelling it)) Tools 500. Junior tees it up from the pole position and he did well in practice. Matt tees off 14th, and he had very good practice times. My guy Newman qualified 7th and practiced well…but like boss, Smoke, had to change engines and will roll past the green flag dead last. I want something interesting to happen for a change. Junior goes wire to wire for the win. That would be interesting.

I noticed that that aforementioned dopey little shitass ((or Michael McDowell)) some how qualified 43rd. Well, fucknuts, do I have job for you. Since you like to pull stupid moves and wreck folks, and since you’re headed for the garage after a few laps around the salad bar anyway, let me suggest something to make you day worthwhile. You know that Chevrolet with the Kobold Tools emblem and the number 48 on the side? The one driven by that dude with 4 championships and 49 wins? Yeh…that car. Make sure you take that car to garage along with you, okay? Be a sport. Make it happen!!!

 

And if Matt Kenseth wins, which he just might do, that would be interesting. After all, a Matt is fine too.