“This doesn’t look at ALL like Alabama…”

 

It’s Talladega, Baby!! And if don’t know what THAT means, then you’ve been living a very sheltered life.

It doesn’t mean a run for the roses, or chugging a quart of milk in Victory Lane.

I’ll give you a clue: THIS!!  It’s Talladega, Baby!!

So I won’t belabor the obvious. If you don’t know by now, then you’ll never know.

I was, at some deranged moment of insight or wishful thinking last night considering LIVE BLOGGING tomorrow’s GEICO 500 from an undisclosed location somewhere in SW Wisconsin, but then I realized 2 things:

 

1. THE FIREHOUSE in Mt. Horeb WI doesn’t serve chicken wings slathered in Alabama White Sauce.
2.  See reason #1

 

I tried a form of live blooging a race from THE FIREHOUSE back in 2009 with the Brickyard 400. Actually, I wrote notes in a notebook as if that ancient piece of technology was hooked up to The Wired. It wasn’t, and so I wrote it up later, but….I see no good reason to do that again. Plus, I’d get Alabama White Sauce all over my laptop. ((pun not intended)).

So this, instead. Plus a mix of everything from the past 8-9 years. I do believe. Maybe. We’ll see.

I’ve backed away from gleefully embracing the overt and madly lasciviousness of the early years. Last fall, in fact, I featured The Bee Gees!!

But it is Talladega after all. So I’ll try and get my arms around….oh never mind….I’ll that joke slide.

Anyway, I’ve been skewing towards little conceits to tone down the on-raging TITS at Talladega of the early days. Now, I’m not so sure about the approach I’m going to take. But I can assure you of this….I’m leaving the train-wrecks for the actual race.

Maybe.

In any case, it’s Talladega, Baby!!

So….

 

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, START YOUR ENGINES!!!

 

 

“I’m STILL not sure how the new NASCAR points system work…”

 

In a 2007 episode of DR. WHO, the good Doctor wondered, as he discovered the code to open a sealed door on the spaceship he was on that was about to collide with a star, “Don’t they teach recreational mathematics anymore?” The code he had to break involved a sequence of happy prime numbers.

A question we could also ask of the powers that be in NASCAR since their points systems has a similar maths puzzle feel to it. But we all know that their answer would be one of bewilderment.

They don’t realize what a numbers puzzle they’ve created. I know about prime numbers….in fact I’m a big fan of prime numbers. I was drubbed, for example, when Matt Kenseth went from driving a prime numbered car, #17 to driving a non-prime car #20. I also know about happy numbers (allegedly), especially happy prime numbers (allegedly). But I’m not so sure what was NASCAR trying to come up with.

I looked at the official report from after the Richmond race. I sat and looked at it for quite some time. And then quietly got up, and went and had a beer.

So I’ve got a better idea for looking at the NASCAR points system  for right now.  I’m going to look at it in terms of happy numbers.

You would think that whoever leads the points would be happy. But that does not mean, necessarily, the number of points he has is happy.

Kyle Larson, Martin Truex Jr., and Chase Elliot the top three in points after the Toyota Owners 400 at Richmond. But none of their points are happy numbers. 398, 358, and 348 are not happy numbers at all. You’d think that NASCAR could come up with something so the points leader always has a happy number of points.

Running down the current list, there are only 6 drivers who have a happy number of points.

That would be:

 

• Grey Gaulding     31 pts
• David Ragan        97 pts
• Paul Menard       139 pts
• Matt Kenseth      192 pts
• Kurt Busch          192 pts
• Erik Jones           193 pts

 

Also, there are only 6 drivers who happy numbered cars.

That would be:

 

• Jamie Mc Murray    #1
• Danica Patrick     #10
• Ty Dillon     #13
• Daniel Saurez     #19
• Grey Gaulding     #23
• Matt Dibenedetto     #32

 

By the numbers, Grey Gaulding should be the happiest guy in  NASCAR at the moment.

Whoever the fuck he is.

 

 

‘Why not Penises at Talladega….Why not THOSE???!!

 

My 2 or 3 readers, who have to be more deranged than me, since they are my 2 or 3 readers, will recall, even though they might not wish to, that I went down that road once before at Talladega back in the spring of 2011. The results of that little scenario convinced me that never again would be the wisest strategy going forward. It might be an unreasonable statement to make, but Tits at Talladega is far more benign a concept than Penises at Talladega (citation needed)¹

Just take my word for this.

Also, I can’t be universally entertaining to one and all, assuming I’m entertaining to anyone at all.

It boils down to this.

This is meant to be basically entertainment for men. Not entertainment for children or women or other specific demographics that immediately come to mind. Even in the men demographic, I’m not going after the boys kissing boys crowd for example. Nor am I intending to be chauvinistic about this by giving men sundry liberties and free warren to be the shameful little boy beasts, tossers and wankers that they are.

In a sense, deep down I am laughing at men for their foolish little interests, like tits, while at the same engaging in a bit of gleefulness about those same interests.

But what a fucking conundrum this becomes, yes?

It’s indeed unfortunate that men feel like they are so fucking entitled to all sorts of things² just because they, for the most part, have ugly little penises. No one wants to see that. Well…maybe someone does, but that’s their unfortunate lookout, and not my demographic.

Anyway, the two races each year at Talladega are NASCAR’s Mardi Gras in New Orleans or Carnaval in Rio. Excessive. Bacchanalia. And yes, like the celebrations in New Orleans and Rio de Janeiro, it’s all about gleefulness and sensuality and, yes, TITS! Tit’s at Talladega!! I didn’t make any of this up. I’m just a reporter here, an observer of the human scene.

If you want Penises at Talladega, they crank up the volume on your TV and soak up the hallucenogeic roar of the engines. Or, go to Talladega and see and feel for yourself.

Just remember that Danica Patrick is driving one of those penises too.

Meanwhile, we all know, or should that not everything is sweetness and light and innocent despite our best efforts. If you a have spare moment for a movie, I will direct you past Talladega Nights, suggest you view Marcel Camus’s excellent film Black Orpheus  which resets the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice at Carnaval in Rio. Fabulous film with music by Juan Carlos Jobim. I wish that in Talladega Nights that Adam McKay had brought the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice to the foreground more rather than burying in the background under a mountain noise, gags, and satire. But unfortunately, NASCAR fans might not have caught on to that.(citation needed)

There. Justification complete for now. Any other questions?

 

 

“I thought all the fashionable women were Formula 1 fans….”

 

Coming up on Memorial Day is the Gran Prix of Monaco. And if you want to see fashionable women, that place is a must go, must see. I’ve been watching that race on TV for the last 50 years and it’s must see viewing for anyone who truly loves motorsports. The only other F1 race that can compare for scenic beauty is the Belgian Gran Prix at Spa.

But we’re talking about fashionable women and not scenic beauty which not always one and the same thing. So Monaco it is, then. They’re everywhere, and especially on all the billionaire’s yachts docked in the harbour. But tits at Monaco…..?? Well, we’ve not been invited aboard those yachts….plus the tits at Talladega doesn’t hold forth at Monaco since tits at Talladega is a more proletarian thing…and NOTHING about Monaco is in any way shape or form proletarian.

One F1 lad will miss all the splendor of Monaco this year for the first time in his career. And it’s not because he’s injured or dead.

F1 champion (in 2005 & 2006) and current McLaren-Honda driver Fernando Alonso has decided to say  Fuck Off to Monaco and F1 but most especially to his McLaren Honda team who have not been able to get him a competitive sled to drive around in on Sunday.

This past Sunday for example, at the Russian Gran Prix, his fucking Honda sled broke down on the way to the starting grid

So this Memorial Day, Alonso will be piloting an Indy Car for Andretti Autosports at the Indy 500.

Despite his experience, all drivers new to Indy Car need to go through a rookie drivers test and orientation procedure. NASCAR’s Kurt Busch had to do it in 2014 when he did the Double and he finished 6th in his inaugural Indy 500.

Alonso is following in Busch’s footsteps. He had the Brickyard all to himself this Wednesday. He ran the required 100 laps, and hit all his marks. His speed and times were spot on. He still has a lot to learn witch from F1 to Indy Cars. But like Busch who was, like Alonso, 35 years old when he finished 6th in 2014, Alonso will get up to speed quickly.

I’m not big Fernando Alonso fan, but I hope he does well at Indy. His F1 career has been in decline recently, but these days, it has more to with McLaren being in decline than his driving skills³

“Tits at Talladega?  I might have to try that some time…”

 

 

Blasts From The Past!

 

I’ve been writing these Talladega post on this iteration of this bloog since 2009, as my 2 or 3 readers know all too well. So I’ve decided to take a look back and curate an image from each Talladega race with a mention of the winner which sometime include a fact or two that will not get in the way of the truth. So here come the warm jets flying over and the last wailing squall of some quasi-rock/country star’s convoluted rendition of the National Anthem:

 

Fall 2009 — Jamie McMary

 

Spring 2010 — Kevin Harvick

 

Fall 2010 — Clint Bowyer

 

Spring 2011 — Jimmie Johnson

The less said about THIS race, the better. And obviously NOT (only) because Jimmie Johnson won.

 

 

Fall 2011 — Clint Bowyer

In October of 2011 I did not do a Talladega post. That October, I was cordially invited to write about death. First an obit for Al Davis. Then, instead of tits at Talladega, I wrote about the deaths of IRL driver Dan Wheldon, and MotoGP racer Marco Simoncelli.

 

 

Spring 2012 — Brad Kesolowski

 

Fall 2012 — Matt Kenseth

 

Spring 2013 — Dave Ragan

Who the fock???

 

 

Fall 2013 — Jamie McMary⁴

 

Spring 2014 — Denny Hamlin

 

Fall 2014 — Brad Kesolowski

 

Spring 2015 — Junior

 

Fall 2015 — Joey Logano

 

Spring 2016 — Brad Kesolowski

 

Fall 2016 — Joey Logano

THIS is the Best Fucking Bee Gees Picture of All Time!!!

 

And finally, I predict the winner of today’s GEICO 500:

 

Spring 2017 — Kyle Busch

 

Now there’s a prediction sure to go wrong.

Kyle takes his trademark bow to the booing crowd.

And now I shall take mine.

Y’all can join me down at THE FIREHOUSE for today’s race. But in the words of Art Kumbalek, you buy the first round.

 

 

 

1. Y’all see this little editing remark on Wikipedia all the time
2. Citation needed
3. His career choice decisions have not been so astute, but no one can question the quality of his driving.
4. My use of McMary instead of Mc Murray is my homnage to the late great Bennie Parsons who always called Mc Murray, Mc Mary