Here Come The Bicycle Fascists

“First we make it to the top of Blue Mound…..THEN we go win the Tour de France!!“

As I scribble this in a small Neopets notebook in purple ink with a UNIBALL Micro Vision Elite pen while waiting for the end the of the world to begin today at 6PM Christian Standard Time, I thought it would be relevant to consider what will happen when the NFL fades into lockout-work stoppage oblivion and ponder the consequences of their calumny on sport in America, and by arrogant assumption, the world. What sport will step up and fill the void in the compelling and all-consuming way the NFL has? Baseball? The NBA? The NHL? NASCAR? All obvious contenders, but really…that would be too easy, and so? Baseball has the biggest advantage there, since it can, quite literally step up to the plate! And as I’ve discussed, it has all the stat and fantasy components that are necessary to drive universal appeal. In a world without football, Baseball would be the obvious #1 choice…if you’re going with American sports. As I written about at length previously, Soccer and the English Premier League would be the proper football alternative to the NFL.

But why go with the obvious choices when there is a more devious and divergent choice available to us. What sport could be more resplendent in divergence than….well, after the break….

 

 

Bicycle Racing…..#1 in America!!!

Tour de France….Tour de Kenosha…Tour de Bumfuq Egypt….the Union Grove Criterium….The Cape Argus Cycle Race….Ladies Tour de Qatar…yes! A thrilling world of racing awaits us all. Think of it. Bicycling is universal. It’s everywhere. And it will be the sport that will step up and fill the void that will be creates by the end of NFL Football. No longer will cycling be an afterthought on Versus. It will be main stream, on all the networks, and cycling highlights will lead-off Sports Center every single night of the week.  Malcolm Lange, Anriette Schoeman, Ellen VanDijk, Carlos Sastre, and Andy Schleck will become household names in the same way that Peyton Manning, Aaron Rogers, and Tom Brady once were.

No need to cry over no football. Just tune in to any sports channel for the latest races. Even local and regional events, like Mt. Horeb, Wisconsin’s very own Horrible Hilly Hundreds will be broadcast nationwide and worldwide. We all know that bicycling is superior to all other forms of transportation. With the absence of football, it will finally get the coverage it deserves.

 

 

Who will win the Ladies Tour de Qatar 2012??

I forgot to mention that the NFL Network will be replaced by the Cycling Network. There is so much historical material that needs to be brought to light. Many great names like Lucien Petit-Breton, Jacques Anquitiel, Eddie Merckx, will finally, at last, will be as familiar to American viewers as Bart Starr, Joe Namath, Roger Staubach, & Dick Butkis. Not to mention the Dreyfus Affair!! Finally, one and all will know the TRUE origins of the Tour de France….it’s MORE than just a Bicycle Race.

 

No, REALLY……Who will win the Ladies Tour de Qatar in 2012!!

I’ve been keeping a sharp eye out for tsunami’s here in Mount Horeb. Nothing yet….but it’s early. No word on when Noah’s Ark will show up here….but if it does, at 1230 feet above sea level, I’m here to tell you that there is a worldwide flood of MORE than epic and or biblical proportions. As far as I can tell, the Laws of Physics have not stopped working yet…no airplanes are falling randomly, like stones, from the sky as I write this. The tornado sirens are not going off and I don’t detect the crackling of any fire, nor does any whiff of smoke waft through the open window. And I just checked with CNN’s website and there is no breaking news about any Sea Monsters rising up from the depths to devour any container ships or cruise liners. There are no reports of zombies or vampires attacking small villages; and as yet, no dinosaurs or velociraptors are stomping and eating traffic on the M1 Motorway, the Autobahn, or I55.

At the very least, if alien spacecrafts don’t land by 6:00, I’ll be somewhat disappointed. But only somewhat. Tomorrow, if it comes, will find us faced with a new bit of fucktardary to entertain and amuse us.

 

Blackpool 6      Manchester United 0

If the end of the world was supposed to be tomorrow, instead of today, the above result would surely account for the End of the World in England. It’s not bloody likely, ofcourse, but it wold be nice to see that result. Tomorrow, if it ever comes, is Squeaky Bum Sunday for several teams in the EPL who are all hovering in and around the relegation zone. West Ham, of course, punched it’s ticket down to Championship weeks, if not months ago. But there are a lot of matches tomorrow as I write this in my less-than-penmanship-contest-winning cursive , the final ones of the season, that have serious relegation implications. None is more compelling ((with perhaps the exception of Wolves vs. Blackburn)) than Blackpool vs. ManU.

Blackpool needs all 3 points, a win to have a chance of staying up. And they might need to win big. They also need Spurs to beat Birmingham City….and Spurs will be going all out to win that to hold their Europa League spot, especially in Liverpool beat Aston Villa. If Blackpool and ManU draw….the Birmingham City and Wigan will have to lose for Blackpool to stay up.

So I’ll be rooting for Blackpool. The Premier League is better for having teams like Blackpool up there….Ian Holloway is class guy and funny as hell. And honestly, I can’t look at anyone wearing orange and not think of the Blackpool FC. All blaze orange in America should be sold with the Blackpool FC logo on it. Given the circumstances, I probably would be rooting for Blackpool in the final game if they were playing Chelsea.

The teams I want to see joining West Ham in the relegation zone tomorrow, are Blackburn and Birmingham. It will take some doing, but at the end of the day I want Blackpool, Wigan and Wolves to stay up. Birmingham, because after winning the Carling Cup they’ve become dissipate and classless. Blackburn, because of their horrid new owners, Venky’s ((the Chicken Manufacturers from India who supply KFC))….for firing Sam Allerdyce for no good reason, and for other reasons, I want them to go down, down, down…all they way down to Blue Square Bet North and beyond…may they burn in clucking hell!!

 

Who will win the 1st Annual Fuck You Scott Walker 400k race?

I normally don’t get too directly in-your-face political in these pages, but this shot was too good not to take. And rather than getting myself caught up in 12,000 or more words of depressing and angry rhetoric about how the state that I grew up in and love is being systematically destroyed by ignorant hateful fucktards, I will let the picture account for a 1,000 or two of those 12,000 words and move on.

Since the NFL owners continue to be hell-bent on killing the goose that laid their golden egg, it has come to my attention that the Green Bay Packers ((and by that I mean the players, not the management)) are preparing to face the brave new world of bicycling. Let’s listen in.

 

Aaron Rodgers leads an impromptu team meeting in a back room at the Titletown Brewing Company: “Hey guys….we’re gonna DO this!!  We can win the Tour de France!”

Greg Jennings and Donald Driver flash cunning grins.

“It will be a total team effort guys….both offense and defense.”

“How’s it gonna work,” Clay Matthews asked. “I can blast through anybody…”

“Well…” Rodgers laughed, “We’ll have to go a little easy on that, But you got the right idea.”

“What about Pickett, and Raji…??”

“The’ll drive the SAG wagon”

“That wagon will SAG with THOSE two in it…..” Charles Woodson chimed in doing a Charles Barkley imitation. Everybody laughed at that.

“Now it’s gonna be a bit backwards,”Rodgers said. “I’ll need you linebackers in the front…that’s where you come in, Clay. You offensive linemen will mostly hang back to block, but I’ll need Sitton and Wells up front to open some holes when we need them.”

“What’s the peloton thing all about?” John Kuhn inquired.

“Yeh….sounds like some mother-fuckin’  BIRD or something…”

“That’s we’re gonna be. A team, a unit….it’s a French word for platoon. We’ll be our own peloton!”

“The Green Bay Packer Pelotons,” Tim Masthay knodded. “Sounds good.”

“Do we need to learn to speak French,” Jordy Nelson asked.

“I know how to speak French,” Clay Matthews said. “Get the fuck outta my way!” He knodded. “There, THAT sounds French enough for me.” Resounding laughter once again.

Rodgers chuckled as said, “Okay guys, we’re also gonna wear underarmour shirts with Green Packer Win The Tour De France on it….yes AJ?”

“Do we get fitted for rings before the start of the race…?”

“Man,” Bigby said, “I don’t think we get rings for winning this”

“What do we get then.”

“We get good and tired.” Laughs all around.

“Guys….we’ll have another round. Let’s carbed up for our ride to Kewaunee and back. Drink up. We ride on 6. Hut!”

 

 

Virginia 13    Cornell 9

Despite evidence to the contrary, Lacrosse will not replace the NFL as our go-to sport. Even though it IS a more quintessentially American sport. It originated here and was already played here on a highly competitive level before the Europeans brought their golf,  lawn tennis, cricket, and variations of association football over here.

It was nice that Virginia upset Cornell, and it’s nice that Denver is, as this is wrought, is upsetting Johns Hopkins 12-7. But look out world, look out America.

Here come the bicycle fascists!! So be courteous and share the road.